


milk started group chat: dumbass club

by roymustangs_slightlydecrepit_fiat500



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alphonse Elric plays fortnite, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Among Us, Domestic Fluff, Edward Elric Is A Little Shit, Edward Elric Swears, Edward Elric is short, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Garfield references, I think it fits?, M/M, Maes Hughes Lives, Nina Tucker Lives, No homunculi, Not Canon Compliant, OOC but who cares, Only rated T because of swearing, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Parental Royai, Q&A, References to Canon, Roy Mustang adopts ed and al, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff References, Tags Are Hard, The Princess Bride References, Trans Alphonse Elric, Trans Ling Yao, Trans Male Character, Undertale References, a whisker away references, also lust is trans in this au idk if it will be mentioned but she is, automail exists in this au but not alchemy idk, bc I like the book/film and wanted to include it, can't have the nobody dies tag bc of Trisha Elric im sorry, chatfic, everyone is gay except alphonse, get stick bugged lol, greed deserved better, groupfic, ive read a ton of fma chatfics and wanted to write one, like movie time with girlfriends, ready player one - Freeform, rickroll, the homunculi are human in this au, they are just vibing, they like homestuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25551652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roymustangs_slightlydecrepit_fiat500/pseuds/roymustangs_slightlydecrepit_fiat500
Summary: Edward starts a group chat. what could go wrong? :)no plot just them kinda screwing around on a group chat and being generally vibeyalso Ling Yao is still a homestuck
Relationships: Edward Elric & Winry Rockbell, Edward Elric/Ling Yao, Lan Fan & Ling Yao, Lan Fan/Paninya, Lan Fan/Paninya/Winry Rockbell, Lan Fan/Winry Rockbell, Maes Hughes/Roy Mustang (Past), Paninya/Winry Rockbell, Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 39
Kudos: 106





	1. ed can't spell

**Author's Note:**

> try guess who the characters are :0

milk started group chat Dumbass Club.

milk added OwO who's dis, spanner and sickle, despancito, naruto and hongry.

OwO who's dis: brother why are you called milk

spanner and sickle: oh hey guys what his chat for

milk: mainly trash talking mustang

despancito: fair

spanner and sickle: PLEASE tell me that isn't paninya's username...

despancito: (￣ ￣|||  
despancito: guilty

milk: hey Winry

spanner and sickle: yeah  
spanner and sickle: this is ed right

milk: what the FUCK is your username?????  
milk: also yeah

spanner and sickle: its quirky  
spanner and sickle: you have become the very thing you swore to destroy

hongry: ahaha shahcvbvV

OwO what's dis: that keysmash was very close to saying sbahj and I do NOT like that one bit

hongry: why what is sbahj

OwO what's dis: sweet bro and hella Jeff

milk: oh god al please don't remind us of your homestuck phase

hongry: I shouldn't have asked  
hongry: Karkat senpai uwu

milk: ling I love you but PLEASE don't remind me that existed

hongry: As You Wish

OwO what's dis: wow he really just did that

naruto: u realise that's way cuter if you've seen the process bride

milk: the process bride im screaming

spanner and sickle: process bride

hongry: like processed cheese  
hongry: or spam

spanner and sickle: buttercup? more like cheese cup

milk: what tf even is a cheese cup

hongry: like maybe a Reeses cup but with cheese instead of peanut butter

milk: why in the world did you have to put that image into my head

spanner and sickle: I think quarantine has been getting to some of you

hongry: fuck u winry I have had nachos with cheese and chocolate sauce from barburrito all the time

milk: no u

hongry: ooh burn

milk: lmao <3

hongry: OwU <3

spanner and sickle: u really just said yes homo

hongry: shut up winry you literallyhave two girlfriends one of which you made an arm for.

spanner and sickle: girlfriend.,., stronk,,….

despancito: lol gay

spanner and sickle: NOOOO jhfgdhg u cant do that you are literally one of my gfs >:0

despancito: yeah I can  
despancito: lol gay

spanner and sickle: I am WOUNDED

spanner and sickle sent file https://tr.rbxcdn.com/c1411fa8f59a64d2c0bc439538aca9ce/420/420/Decal/Png

OwO what's dis: oh my god its been fifteen minutes and this chat is a mess

naruto: yeah

despancito: wait lan fan did you see all these messages

naruto: yup

despancito: oh god I feel so bad for you having t listen to us lmao.

milk: oh my GOD hwy can't you spell

spanner and sickle: this is cyberbullying

naruto: are we gonna ignore that ed apparently can't spell why

milk: oh ffs its one tiny error

despancito: yeah a tiny error to match your tiny height.

milk: mate u don't wanna scrap me I have a metal arm

spanner and sickle: ...

despancito: ...

naruto: ...

OwO what's dis: ...

milk: oh shit she has two metal legs  
milk: alphonse every time I see your username its fills me with rage

spanner and sickle has changed their name to uwu

despancito has changed their name to XD

hongry has changed their name to get in the forever box uwu

milk: ok this is bullying

uwu: lmao


	2. rOWOy mUWUstang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward lost his bruh privileges
> 
> also Roy Mustang but he doesn't matter 
> 
> Roy Mustang emoticon:  
>  /\/\/\  
>  (`'-'`) fire  
>  | |/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here u go, another chapter to this ^^  
> oh yeah in this au Riza and roy adopted Edward and alphonse bc uhhh they deserve to be happy

milk: ok so uhhhhhhh  
milk: dad found out I had social media  
milk: like mustang dad not the shitty one  
milk: and he got super mad at me and now I have to add him to the gc  
milk: im so sorry guys

get in the forever box uwu: wait what

get in the forever box uwu has changed their name to hongry

hongry: thats better  
hongry: ok but fr im pissing mustang is gonna see this chat this is so funny  
hongry: like does he even know were dating

milk: yes he does thank god that would be even worse

hongry: thats a relief I guess

Direct message between hongry and milk:

hongry: ummm ed

milk: what  
milk: we were literally talking on the gc lmao

hongry: do you wanna group cos johndave sometime

milk: ling what  
milk: oh god  
milk: lmao Dave kinnie

hongry: >:0

milk: yeh ok  
milk: under one condition

hongry: oh god

milk: imma screenshot this and show the group chat that you are a homestuck

hongry: fuck

@Dumbass club

milk: guys come quick  
milk: I have something to show u

milk sent file lingstuck.jpg:

uwu: lmfao  
uwu: but oh god roy mustang on the chat  
uwu: like I know he is u guys dad but come on  
uwu: hes like in his thirties and tries to rap

XD: yeah this is gonna be awesome

OwO whats dis: Jesus Christ ling is a homestuck lmfao

naruto: aight the gangs all here  
naruto: it only takes calling ling out as a homestuck to get everyones attention  
naruto: such a great half brother

hongry: stfu lan fan 

naruto: €:0)  
naruto: clown

hongry: oh my god clown emojis mean u automatically lose an argument

milk: go off king  
milk: ok im adding him  
milk: im so sorry guys

milk added No talk me I angy

No talk me I angy: I assume you all know why I am here. 

naruto: bahahgshagas  
naruto: ed u didnt tell me you had a Sanrio shitpost acc for a friend

No talk me I angy: Edward have you been misinforming them?

naruto: lmao no talk me I angy this is so hilarious

uwu: wait who is this

XD: everyone stfu ed told us who this was

uwu: paninya dont ruin the mood >:(

XD: its the sprite cranberry guy

No talk me I angy: I am not him, whoever he is.  
No talk me I angy: Edward what have you been telling your friends about me?

XD: I thought that guy was animated

uwu: arent we all, in some way, animated?

XD: bruh

milk: bruh

uwu: no ed you can't say that its illegal

milk: >:0  
No talk me I angy: I have been informed that the Sprite cranberry advert man is indeed animated.  
No talk me I angy: There has clearly been a misunderstanding.  
No talk me I angy: I am Edward and Alphonse’s adoptive father

hongry: lmao bruh

milk: >:3

hongry: <3

milk: <£  
milk: <3  
milk: fuck

No talk me I angy: Edward, watch your language.

milk: shut up mustang

uwu: wait mustang  
uwu: wasnt he the guy from this vid  
uwu: like him rapping about flames or something

OwO whats dis: yeah lmao I remember that

No talk me I angy: Alphonse, you disappoint me.

OwO whats dis: alphonse who? I only answer to my fursonas name >:)

No talk me I angy has left the chat.

XD: well uhhhhh  
XD: we did it boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what if you wanted to be happy
> 
> but lan fan said
> 
> €:0)  
> utterly destroyed. devastated.


	3. a man has fallen for a man in LEGO City

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so glad people like this aaaaaaah
> 
> please leave comments!!

Direct message between milk and hongry:

hongry: hey edward  
hongry: can we talk  
hongry: ed?  
hongry: oh god didnt realise it was this early you’re probably asleep lmao  
hongry: sorry for blowing up your phone

milk: oh hey sorry I didnt see your messages  
milk: what is it?  
milk: u doing alright ling?

hongry: oh heya gm lol  
hongry: its just something thats been bugging me for a while  
hongry: like

milk: are u ok dude

hongry: ok so uhh you know how weve been kinda dating for a couple of months  
hongry: so I was wondering if like  
hongry: do u want to officially be my bf?  
hongry: ed?  
hongry: u there  
hongry: oh god I fucked up

Direct message between uwu and milk:

milk: WINRY  
milk: HELP  
milk: asjhgdkajgdjag

uwu: what is it lmao its literally 8 am

milk: LING ASKED ME OUT

uwu: but aren’t you guys already dating

milk: sort of   
milk; like yeah but we arent technically boyfriends just guys who sometimes go on dates and like  
milk: im freaking out seriously

uwu: have you even responded to him

milk: SHIT

uwu: you are such a disaster lmfao

Direct message between hongry and milk:

milk: im so sorry for not responding  
milk: im kinda freaking out lmao

hongry: oh crap sorry

milk: no its fine  
milk: like yes I really want to be your bf  
milk: I just panicked and had to text winry lmao  
milk: fkdkdgffg you want me to be your boyfriend ling

hongry: im starting to reconsider  
hongry: you see edward, I don’t want to have to label myself moronsexual

milk: KJFHDKJHF SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

hongry: a man has fallen for a man in lego city

milk: AAAAAAAAAHHGHH

hongry: ok but im kinda dying here  
hongry: like huh Edward Elric is my boyfriend

milk: dying huh  
milk: do u need mouth to mouth resuscitation :0

hongry: bruh  
hongry: hdfjdhgfgdj

milk: *kimsses u*

hongry: why are u like this  
hongry: I thought u were cool

milk: >:)  
milk: I can and will owo

hongry: oh god oh fuck hes gonna say owo

milk: o  
milk: uwu  
milk: SIKE

hongry: damn bro  
hongry: didnt see that coming

milk: bruhbruhbruhbruhbruhbruhbruh  
milk: wait can I tell the others

hongry: im 99% sure that lan fan is gonna tease me forever but go ahead  
hongry: im cool with it

milk: thx  
milk: just checking you are ok with things

@Dumbass club

milk: hey guys

OwO whats dis: what

uwu: hMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

milk: >:7

naruto: what

XD: hewwo   
XD: hows things I got woken up early as hell bc my phone kept playing the sound clip of ur dad rapping

OwO whats dis: wait what  
OwO whats dis: you have mustang rapping as your ringtone for text

XD: ……  
XD: yes

OwO whats dis: lmfao   
OwO whats dis: Jesus Christ paninya   
OwO whats dis: like you really did that huh

XD: lmao

milk: ok that is fucking funny and all and I have utmost respect for paninya after that but  
milk: I need to tell you something

XD: go on

uwu: yeah, gO ON ED

milk: bruh  
milk: ok so winry doesnt tease me anymore for beating around the bush  
milk: ling is officially my boyfriend

XD: ayyyyyyyy  
XD: called it

naruto: nice  
naruto: insert image of cursed emoji holding sunglasses and making thumbs up 

OwO whats dis: am I like the only straight person in this family

uwu: probably unless your parents count

milk: actually not true  
milk: im pretty sure mustang dated Maes Hughes for a while years back  
milk: so yeah you and Riza are the only straight ones  
milk: *dabs*

uwu: im sorry ive known you forever and I love you like a brother but im gonna have to kill you for dabbing

milk: cringe culture is dead

uwu: point

Direct message between milk and OwO whats dis:

OwO whats dis: umm ed have you heard that mum and dad have adopted another kid

milk: wait what

OwO whats dis: they kinda sprang it on me im sorry its kind of a shock  
OwO whats dis: this little girl about five  
OwO whats dis: she had to be taken away from her dad  
OwO whats dis: shes called Nina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry to end it like that lmao, yay cliffhangers
> 
> also PLEASE watch a man has fallen for a man in LEGO City 
> 
> I probably can't write tomorrow but I hopefully will get something  
> maybe a written part about them meeting Nina? because she deserved more and also im a sucker for parental royai
> 
> tell me what u think I should do !!!


	4. that wasn't very karkalicious of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nooooooo.,,.,. don't adopt Nina without my knowledge!11!1!!
> 
> actually adopting Nina is fine, I don't mind at all
> 
> in which ed is angery boy until he meets his future little sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not gonna update for a while like a couple of weeks bc im gonna be away and I won't be able to post so that's a bruh moment
> 
> how is this my most liked fanfic lmao

Direct message between No talk me I angy and milk:

milk: hey mustang

No talk me I angy: Edward, you know you can call me dad?

milk: I know, its just  
milk: why didnt you tell me you were adopting nina?

No talk me I angy: So Alphonse told you.  
No talk me I angy: I’m sorry. I should have told you before this.

milk: yeah you should have done  
milk: I kind of dont mind but come on   
milk: you adopted a kid  
milk: its not like you got another kitten or something  
milk: like a literal little sister this is pretty fucking big

No talk me I angy: I know, Edward  
No talk me I angy: It was a mistake on my part, and I apologise.

milk: well I can tell that you are sorry bc you didnt correct me on swearing  
milk: I just need time to process this and yes I am pretty pissed off but idk  
milk: whats the situation with her anyway

No talk me I angy: The information was not disclosed to us. All I know was that her father was not suitable to be a parent so she had to be taken away.   
No talk me I angy: I know this may be hard due to the circumstances, an I take blame for this, but you and Alphonse need to ensure that she feels welcome when we go to visit her tomorrow.  
No talk me I angy: She also has a dog.

milk: wait what  
milk: Jesus Christ you have to tell us this kinda stuff

No talk me I angy: I did not think it would be an issue.

milk: it isnt that big an issue because we already have black Hayate   
milk: but seriously  
milk: anyway how does that even work

No talk me I angy: The dog also had to be rescued and we didn’t want to separate them.

milk: ok  
milk: will she like flip her shit about her potential older brother having a metal arm

No talk me I angy: Language. I doubt it but we have mentioned that. 

milk: aight ok  
milk: of course were gonna have to talk about this in person with mum and al  
milk: but ok I get the idea of whats going on now

——————

@Dumbass club

milk: hey guys  
milk: I have news

uwu: what 

hongry: what is it Davey

milk: hgfhdg stop being John egbert for one second please ling

naruto: andddd here we go again   
naruto: always something with this chat  
naruto: jk lmao what is it ed

milk: ok so mustang and mum adopted a kid without telling us

uwu: wtf

hongry: bruh that was not what I was expecting  
hongry: you must be pretty pissed

milk: yeah tbh I am like they didnt even tell me it was al who texted me about it  
milk: but anyway  
milk: so I met her today  
milk: and like I love her  
milk: I feel like such a proud big brother

uwu: awww even though you are already a big brother

milk: not the point jhgjhggjh

uwu: so whats the deal with things

milk: ok so shes called Nina and she is like five and she already looks up to me like a brother and also she has a massive dog called Alexander

hongry: ok I have Hamilton in my head now

naruto: stop ling 

hongry: noooooo :D

naruto: that is literally the most threatening smiley I have ever seen

hongry: nyehehehehe

naruto: wow someones been playing Undertale

hongry: stop bullying me big sis

naruto: first of all im only your half sister, second im younger than you and third nobody calls their sister big sis anymore

hongry: I do  
hongry: anyway ed so thats awesome

milk: ikr   
milk: shes coming to live here sometime soonish idk really how long these things take  
milk: though apparently mustang has been arranging all the legal crap for a few months now  
milk: hopefully she will be coming to stay with us permanently in a few weeks  
milk: im still mad at mustang for doing this without telling me but still im gonna have a sister fhfghgf

hongry: thats really cool ngl

milk: yup :)

uwu: thats pretty cool im shocked as hell but nice

milk: yup, cant wait to see how it turns out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my cat was sitting on my desk while I wrote this and dgdsg he was so cute
> 
> I really liked writing this


	5. my boss is not a cat ling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im back guys!!!! thank you so much for nearly 300 hits hfgjfhg 
> 
> 6 month time skip!  
> uhhh mainly just ed x ling fluff bc I love them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired as hell and wrote this lmao 
> 
> ive had hamilton songs in my head for days  
> I just love Fullmetal Alchemist so much and I couldn't wait to update this

— 6 MONTH TIMESKIP—

Direct message between hongry and milk:

milk: hey ling can you pick me up? I had to drop Nina off at her school and I just realised I am gonna be really fucking late for school and im kinda freaking out

hongry: yeah sure, ill be there in a couple of mins, do u mind sharing my bike? 

milk: omg thank you  
milk: yeah thats cool it will be super romantic like sonic the hedgehog

hongry: wtf  
hongry: im not even gonna ask how thats like sonic

milk: well uhhh they both go fast

hongry: lmao fdgfjkd thats your reasoning?  
hongry: anyway see u soon I wont be long  
hongry: say hi to Nina from me  
hongry: I cant believe shes turning six in two weeks

milk: ikr, time’s flown, ill tell her u say hi  
milk: you’re a lifesaver ling tysm  
milk: see u soon

@Dumbass club

uwu: hey who is free at the weekend im kinda holding a massive sleepover kinda thing bc we’re breaking up for summer  
uwu: lan fan and pan are already in and im pretty sure ling is coming as well

milk: oh yeah! He told me  
milk: im definitely in, ill ask Al

uwu: awesome:)

milk: he says yeah  
milk: he was playing fortnite at the time  
milk: but he seemed enthusiastic so I guess everyone is in

naruto: hell yes

uwu: aw yeah boys   
uwu: oh yeah I have something awesome to tell you!!!!!!!!

hongry: WOAH  
hongry: winry never uses more than four exclamation points this is gonna be big

uwu: >:( I use like six regularly  
uwu: BUT  
uwu: I got a summer job

naruto: NICE

uwu: its with this dude who runs an automail shop  
uwu: hes called Garfiel

hongry: first of all thats awesome   
hongry: second of all garfield? Is he a cat???!?!/

uwu: Jfc ling. I said Garfiel  
uwu: no hes not a cat  
uwu: I dont know if he eats lasagna   
uwu: but I had my job interview on a Monday so that clears something up  
uwu: also he needs to teach me how to do eyeliner so well 

milk: hey winry  
milk: maybeeeeeee you can do my automail

uwu: of course!

milk: :D

uwu: ill show you my fees once ive done :) 

milk: aw man

naruto: creeper

milk: hmmmmmmmmmmmmm  
milk: hmmmmmmm  
milk: that wasnt very uhhhh fuckin  
milk: karkalicious of you

hongry: ED ISTG  
hongry: ED STOP SAYING THAT WORD I WILL LITERALLY DIE  
hongry: ajgshjdghsgs

———

Direct message between milk and hongry:

hongry: hey edward

milk: ling its two am why are you awake

hongry: I couldnt sleep :(  
hongry: also you are awake as well lmao

milk: oh shit are you doing ok?  
milk: if it helps I couldnt sleep either lol

hongry: yeah, just tired and I have stuff on my mind  
hongry: do you want to chat?

milk: that sounds good idk what to talk about tho

hongry: this may be stupid but like  
hongry: do you want to like do q&A or anything?  
hongry: you dont have to its just a random suggestion

milk: sure, I love q&A  
milk: ok ill go first  
milk: whats an embarrassing memory from when you were a kid

hongry: oh god dont make me think  
hongry: hmmm  
hongry: ok when we were about seven me and lan fan had like this? sort of au idk how to describe? Where I was like a prince and she was like a ninja bodyguard   
hongry: we saw naruto on tv once and she wanted to be like sakura or Sasuke  
hongry: its kinda cringy looking back

milk: ling thats so cute lmao  
milk: ok I can imagine that fhgdhfg im dying thats so funny

hongry: hey stop it >:0  
hongry: ok so hmm your question  
hongry: ok so whats your weirdest hobby? Its sort of a weak question but im too tired to think of anything else lmao

milk: karaoke  
milk: its not weird but when al and mum and mustang are away I find some anime karaoke videos on YouTube and sing as loud as I can  
milk: I dont know if im good or not but its fun

hongry: aw :)  
hongry: ive heard you singing in school sometimes ngl  
hongry: you’re actually really good

milk: stop ittttt  
milk: im embarrassed but also like thank u? Nobody has complimented my singing before like nobody hears most of the time tbh but still  
milk: fhdgfhg thats so sweet of you ling 

hongry: aw dude <3

milk: <3  
milk: favourit animal? 

hongry: chinchilla  
hongry: favourite snack?

milk: hmm idk  
milk: popchips but like the barbecue flavour theyre good as hell  
milk: have you tried them?

hongry: no? Are they like those popped potato crisps like not fried

milk: yeah, seriously good

hongry: sounds like the shit, I have to try them

milk: damn right u do, life changer  
milk: ok uhhhh do you like undertale? If so whos your favourite character

hongry: ooh good question  
hongry: its my favourite game  
hongry: I guess I like asgore but only pacifist run? And definitely Asriel pacifist as well

milk: I fucking sobbed at the end credits and when frisk gave Asriel a hug

hongry: oh god me too  
hongry: I finished the pacifist route for like the fifth time a couple of months ago but I could never do the true reset again its too hard lmao

milk: MOOD

hongry: ok but I have to say my favourite character is probably undyne or Mettaton  
hongry: theyre just so cool ahhhh

milk: valid ngl  
milk: im so tired istg if I dont respond ive gone to sleep

hongry: I know how you feel man

milk: it keeps hapening

hongry: what does  
hongry: ohhh its sweet bro and hella jeff lmao  
hongry: homestuck

milk: says the guy who wanted me to cosplay Dave while he cosplyed john  
milk: uwu owo  
milk: just so you know ling  
milk: youre awesome and thanks for talking with me so much

hongry: thanks ed  
hongry: you’re awesome too  
hongry: and you sound really nice when you sing  
hongry: ed are you there?  
hongry: oh are you asleep  
hongry: see you tomorrow at winry’s place  
hongry: love you ed <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of these are just me ngl because I had pop chips on my desk and couldn't think of anything else to write about and also like? Edling? perfection.
> 
> I hope you liked this!!


	6. I can't think of a funny chapter title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so tired and like had no motivation to write but here's another chapter! ish  
> sorry its shorter than before sgfggdjhgf

@Dumbass club

uwu: yoooooo guys hows things  
uwu: fhjdghfj

XD: hey winry are u ok?  
XD: lmao 

uwu: yeah  
uwu: just like im seriously excited  
uwu: are you guys ok with sleeping downstairs

XD: sounds cool by me

milk: yeah sure im good with that

OwO whats dis: wait whts happening I just woke up  
OwO whats dis: ok im alright with sleeping on the floor

hongry: (─‿‿─)  
hongry: yeah im up for it

milk: im bringing Doritos  
milk: anything else I need to take

uwu: oh fuck yes  
uwu: ive got chilli hot so bring the cheese ones if you can  
uwu: thats good, just like a sleeping bag or something

hongry: hey edddd  
hongry: I bought a shit ton of barbecue popchips to see what they were like and I may have too many so uhhhhhhhhhhh  
hongry: do u want them

milk: omg you are incredible

uwu: without context this is very confusing

milk: lmao theyre my favourite snack

uwu: ohhh  
uwu: im so fucking tiredddd

milk: mood

OwO whats dis: I only woke up because of the message spam  
OwO whats dis: im so tired istg

milk: ive gtg  
milk: nina wants me to play with her  
milk: never let a six year old see you playing Mario kart  
milk: she is somehow better than me  
milk: anyway see you guys later, im off to get utterly destroyed at rainbow road

hongry: byeeee ed have fun getting defeated at Mario by a kid almost a third of your age lmfao <3

milk: dont be mean  
milk: bye <3

uwu: awwwww you guys are so cute  
uwu: see you ed

@Family Group

No talk me I angy: About this sleepover at Winry’s house.

milk: what is it

No talk me I angy: You don’t tend to lean towards large social events. I’ve heard that a lot of people will be there. I didn’t know that you liked hanging out with people of your own volition.  
No talk me I angy: Social media notwithstanding. 

milk: wow is that your way of calling me a loner jfc  
milk: and also its not that many people  
milk: just me and al, winry’s gfs and ling 

No talk me I angy: I see. Ling is going to be there so you are as well.

OwO whats dis: AHAHHHASSHHJFKFHKH  
OwO whats dis: jfc dad if youre gonna tease ed about his bf at least dont do it with perfect grammar

milk: oh my god  
milk: whilst having someone to talk to about anime was a reason that slightly swayed my decision  
milk: I did not just go because of my boyfriend  
milk: seriously come on I do have a social life but thanks for like crushing my self esteem or whatever 0_0 

No talk me I angy: I apologise. The intent was not to offend you. 

milk: fine I get it   
milk: oh look at the time I have to leave  
milk: al are you coming? 

OwO whats dis: yeah 

milk: ok bye   
milk: see you later dad

No talk me I angy: Stay safe. 

Direct message between Riza (pick a normal name please Roy) and No talk me I angy

No talk me I angy: Edward just called me dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goddammit I want to eat popchips now
> 
> Ling Yao is the best character


	7. its egg time boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Gang just vibing again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aw yeah another chapter boys
> 
> everyone is so ooc how do I write  
> I love fullmetal alchemist so much

@Dumbass club:

uwu: anyone wanna play truth or dare  
uwu: ik granny just came and told us to stfu because its one am but like I know you’re all awake  
uwu: and its like the only thing I can think to talk about lmao

XD: yeah lmao of course

milk: but im so tiredddddddd

hongry: for that Edward has to go first

milk: ling I trusted you  
milk: how could you betray me  
milk: ok but I choose dare

naruto: ohhhhh boy  
naruto: hmmm what should he do

uwu: blast revenge through the bluetooth speaker next to grannys bed?

naruto: I was thinking  
naruto: draw whiskers on al whilst hes asleep

XD: this is why I love you lan fan

hongry: oh my god yes please ed  
hongry: or you have to forfeit

milk: how should I do it

uwu: sharpie wont come off so that would be kinda mean

milk: funny af though

XD: be nice to your brother ed

milk: god dammit  
milk: can I borrow your eyeliner winry

uwu: well I guess he could get it off with makeup remover  
uwu: fine its in the green bag on my desk

milk: ok  
milk: what should I write/draw

XD: draw whiskers and write uwu owo on his forehead

milk: done

naruto: *is ooc from my Sasuke uchiha based personality for 1 (one) minute to laugh at this shit*

milk: like that weird au with u and ling?

naruto: ling wtf did you tell him?!?!?!!

milk: oh crap  
milk: looks like I did a fucky wucky

Direct message between hongry and naruto:

naruto: WHY DID YOU TELL HIM AAAAAA IM SO EMBARRASSED  
naruto: brb just gonna die of cringe rn  
naruto: godDAMMIT LING WHY

hongry: oops  
hongry: Well uhhhhhh shit sorry lmao

naruto: relax im not actually mad   
naruto: just fucking embarrassed uhjgdfjgfjgjsgfjkds,fgjsdgj,dsshd  
naruto: nonononono

hongry: huh

@Dumbass club

milk: ok ling your turn

hongry: oh damn it  
hongry: truth

uwu: if this is ok to ask  
uwu: when did you realise you were gay?  
uwu: you dont have to answer of course

hongry: no its ok  
hongry: hm about when I was eleven or twelve?  
hongry: I saw like this fanart of this guy idk who he was  
hongry: and I was like huuh hes kinda cute  
hongry: and then I already had a ton of lgbt stuff on social media that like I was following  
hongry: I kinda put two and two together after a while  
hongry: plus also Mettaton ex when I played Undertale

milk: wow Mettaton  
milk: mood

uwu: honestly like same here   
uwu: I was just like wow girls pretty until the penny dropped  
uwu: looking back I should have realised when I really:) thought Marceline from adventure time was :) cool :)  
uwu: lmao 

XD: isnt like everyone here in some way gay or bi or pan

milk: except al  
milk: well hes asleep so yeah I guess you’re right

OwO whats dis: no im really not asleep

uwu: wait what the fuck

OwO whats dis: yeah I was awake the whole time I just wanted to let you guys think you were so smart  
OwO whats dis: its so hard not to blow your cover when you are having whiskers drawn on you

uwu: LMFAO SVDJS,VD,JVV  
uwu: omg al istg

XD: pfff ur a fucking genius

milk: I  
milk: I have no words  
milk: you made me draw whiskers on al and he was awake the whole time

ling: its egg time boys

XD: ling what the fuck does that even mean  
XD: ling please respond  
XD: paninya.exe has stopped responding

milk: you broke her  
milk: but in all seriousness what does ‘its egg time’ even mean

hongry: ok ok  
hongry: all it means is that  
hongry: if we had no hair we would evolve to look like eggs  
hongry: its obvious

uwu: HWO IS THAT RELEVANT AND WHAT  
uwu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN AAA

milk: ling yao  
milk: I have never felt such awe and horror in my life  
milk: I applaud you 

hongry: no you dont   
hongry: I can see you across the room and you arent applauding  
hongry: goddamn liar Edward Elric you betrayed me   
hongry: I am Wounded

XD: what even  
XD: oh yeah im back boys

hongry: did they patch the glitch

uwu: huh  
uwu: I guess its uhhhh  
uwu: egg time

milk: please  
milk: dont make me think about egg   
milk: why is that your thought process ling  
milk: why would we evolve like that anyway  
milk: hjfgjfgffgfgff

OwO whats dis: what the fuck is an egg

XD: uhhhh dshddhjdvd

OwO whats dis: oh god oh fuck I was joking please dont kill me paninya  
OwO whats dis: im so fuckig tired nldbsjbbs; idk lmao

milk: as your brother im gonna tell you right here and right now to go tf to sleep

OwO whats dis: you cant do that

milk: yes I can im a year older thn you

OwO whats dis: yeah but you cant spell than so uhhh  
OwO whats dis: I would argue more but I actually am tired so gn guys

XD: ok we all went off topic so truth or dare winry

uwu: dare

naruto: play shittyflute my heart will go on out of the window

uwu: HELL YEA  
uwu: ok its just loading

XD: fdjhdhjd,

milk: damn what happened to being quiet

XD: stop it this is too funny

OwO whats dis: how tf am I supposed to sleep like this

uwu: lmfaooooo  
uwu: blame paninya

XD: HOW COULD U  
XD: I am just a soft…,.,., I ffgfghfdfj  
XD: wlw

naruto: fucking mood

uwu: yup

XD: its not my fault girls are so pretty

milk: oh look over there paninya being a disaster lesbian again

XD: we are in the same room first of all

milk: precisely why I said ‘look over there’

XD: NOT MY POINT AAAA  
XD: also shut up you hypocrite   
XD: like I dont see you pining over ling yao every day

milk: its not my fault hes pretty >:(

hongry: hey guys! Im here in the chat :)

milk: HJGJSHSD  
milk: you heard/saw nothing

hongry: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

XD: hmmmmmmmm

milk: oh for gods sake

uwu: who just squeaked

OwO whats dis: my bad  
OwO whats dis: Den just stepped on my face  
OwO whats dis: this is why I prefer cats ngl

uwu: dont be mean  
uwu: you can pry my dog person- ness from my cold dead hands

OwO whats dis: believe me I will try

uwu: I suddenly regret sleeping in the same room as you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: ahahahah I don't project on fictional characters  
> also me: literally writes my entire experience of being bi as ling and winry
> 
> also I have no clue what 'its egg time' means I just thought of it bc I wrote this really late lmao


	8. get stick bugged lol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ling is a pain in the ass and annoys everyone 
> 
> really cute:) cat video:)
> 
> just realised that I made it like morning and five seconds later its allegedly midnight, im a dumbass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating! here's a little filler chapter ^^
> 
> aaa I got an iida figure today

@Dumbass club:

milk: mmm whatcha sayyyy

hongry: damn u ok

milk: a bug died :(

hongry: oh noooo  
hongry: what was it

milk: just a little spider

hongry: ok nvm I hate spiders  
hongry: rip in pepperoni muffet

milk: how could u be so heartless  
milk: can u hear that ling

hongry: wait hear what?

milk: me CRYING  
milk: because u laughed at the poor little spider’s death  
milk: u bastard

hongry: how can you like spider istg

milk: they have little eyes

hongry: DONT TALK ABOUT THE EYES DONT TALK ABOUT THE EYES FJHDGSJ,FHJDSVSH  
hongry: AAAAAAA

milk: bruh

uwu: hey whats up guys

milk: the sky is up

uwu: har har har  
uwu: yo ling hows things

hongry: v strange

uwu: how?

milk: im so confused

hongry: A MAN 🧑🧑 HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER 🌊🏞 IN LEGO CITY ❗❗🌃  
START 🛅✅ THE RESCUE HELICOPTER 🚁  
HEY 👋❗  
BUILD 👷♀️👷♀️ THE HELICOPTER 🚁🚁 AND OFF TO THE RESCUE ❗  
PREPARE THE LIFELINE 🆘️, LOWER THE STRETCHER ♿♿ AND MAKE THE RESCUE ❗❗ ❗❗  
THE NEW 🆕️🆕️ EMERGENCY 🚨 COLLECTION FROM LEGO CITY 🏙🚁

milk: excuse me what the fuck

hongry: I’m sorry  
hongry: omg I found this really cute puppy video the other day

milk: awwwww

OwO whats dis: cats are better >:(

milk: al go to bed its midnight

OwO whats dis: hypocrite

hongry: ok ive got it  
hongry: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiB6t_q68PrAhVJSsAKHd1RDJYQ3ywwAHoECA0QAg&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DdQw4w9WgXcQ&usg=AOvVaw0aHtehaphMhOCAkCydRLZU

milk: …  
milk: …  
milk: ling  
milk: I have no words to show how much I hate you right now

uwu: NO  
uwu: ling explain yourself NOW  
uwu: I have a wrench and you have kneecaps  
uwu: I will forcefully introduce them

hongry: hey there buddy chum pal friend buddy pal chum bud friend fella bruther amigo pal buddy friend chummy chum chum pal. i don't mean to be rude my friend pal homeslice breadslice dawg, but i gotta warn ya, if u take one more diddly darn step right there i'm gonna have to diddly darn snap ur neck. and wowza wouldn't that be a crummy juncture huh? do u want that? do u wish upon yourself to come into physical experience with a crummy juncture? because friend buddy chum friend chum pally pal chum friend, if u keep this up then well gosh diddly darn i just might have to get not so friendly with u my friendly friend friend pal friend buddy chum pally friend chum buddy.

milk: ok mr r/copypasta

hongry: >:)  
hongry: get stick bugged lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehhehehehehhehhehee
> 
> obvs none of the copy pastas are mine


	9. troll ed gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> annoying Edward with bad jokes 2 electric boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahjdj I have no motivation to write

Direct message between uwu and hongry:

hongry: yoo winry whats up?

uwu: oh heya ling  
uwu: wait one sec

hongry: k

uwu: ok im back  
uwu: how are u doing

hongry: im good  
hongry: I need your help

uwu: what with lmao

hongry: I need some bad puns to troll ed with

uwu: LMAOO ok

hongry: what are the best ones you have

uwu: ok so uhh  
uwu: when an eel has spots and it swims round a lot  
uwu: that’s a moray  
uwu: im so proud of myself for that sjsdkdh

hongry: wait  
hongry: am I stupid I dont get that

uwu: ohhh its this song  
uwu: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjP_fbdu8zrAhXPDuwKHTExBa8Q3ywwAHoECAQQAg&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOnFlx2Lnr9Q&usg=AOvVaw2TO3tKJpNivcyrLwX2zFL6

hongry: kjdfkdk thats so awful  
hongry: what other puns do u have  
hongry: you are like the queen of bad puns

uwu: you’re very welcome  
uwu: hmm what else  
uwu: wait can I add paninya to the chat  
uwu: if im the queen of bad puns she is literally a GODDESS

hongry: okey

uwu added XD to the chat

uwu changed the chat name to Trolling Ed Gang

XD: wait whats up dudes

hongry: the sky

XD: -_-

hongry: huh  
hongry: im trying to think of bad puns to annoy ed with

XD: ok uhh  
XD: wait ive got a dumb joke that isnt a pun does that count

hongry: ofc as long as it is infuriatingly stupid 

XD: then im ur man  
XD: a man and an egg walk into a bar  
XD: crack

hongry: i-  
hongry: HJSHDSAGHSG

uwu: lmao thats awful  
uwu: egg-celent

XD: oh ffs 

uwu: >:)

hongry: ok im gonna text him

uwu: u go bro

Direct message between milk and hongry:

hongry: heyyyyy Edwardd  
hongry: ed ed ed ed ed

milk: what is it

hongry: when theres eels who have spots and they swim round a lot   
hongry: that’s a moray

milk: sdhgshj  
milk: did winry tell you that by any chance

hongry: what how did you know

milk: in primary school me and winry had this teacher who played that song all the time  
milk: by the end of school w had a bunch of weird memes about it

hongry: dammit  
hongry: a man and an egg walk into a bar  
hongry: crack

milk: jfc ling sdhjdg  
milk: ok thats even worse

hongry: yes

milk: I cant believe u did this to me ling  
milk: google search how to unsee an image


	10. movie time with the gfs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lan Fan and al moment? ive never written their interactions but this was pretty funny
> 
> also this chapter has an actual written part! its a bit of a change but the lanfan/winry/paninya fluff is Very Cute so I wanted to write it :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh update time yee

Direct message between OwO whats dis and naruto:

naruto: yoooo al whats up

OwO whats dis: oh heya lan fan!   
OwO whats dis: how are you doing?

naruto: im good  
naruto: also why are you talking like John homestuck

OwO whats dis: omg I am as well lmao  
OwO whatd dis: didnt really think of that haha

naruto: wanna play smash bros

OwO whats dis: i’d love to but  
OwO whats dis: Alexander is sleeping on my legs and Nina is sleeping on Alexander so I cant move without waking them up  
OwO whats dis: and whenever Alexander wakes up he thinks he gets food  
OwO whats dis: newsflash: 2 pm is not your dinner time

naruto: lol  
naruto: alphonse

OwO whats dis: yeah?

naruto: please can you change your username

OwO whats dis has changed their name to Kerby pekachu

naruto: PLEASE WTFFFF DJFHJDFJ

Kerby pekachu: idk I main Kirby and Pikachu in smash I couldnt think of another song  
Kerby pekachu: and it sounded good  
Kerby pekachu: Kerby pekachu

naruto: hmm come to think of it I havent changed my username in like ages

naruto has changed their name to sasuke

Kerby pekachu: not very creative

sasuke: unlike you coward I play Minecraft survival mode  
sasuke: so yes not creative  
sasuke: get OWNED

Kerby pekachu: edgy

sasuke: WHAT did u just call me

Kerby pekachu: edgy Sasuke edgelord

sasuke: right ok lets argue in the group chat  
sasuke: im gonna destroy you

Kerby pekachu: bring it on 

@Dumbass club

sasuke: ligma

Kerby pekachu: oh god oh hell  
Kerby pekachu: she has completely annihilated me I cannot respond to an insult of that caliber

milk: im so sorry if im being stupid but  
milk: have u guys changed your usernames or something  
milk: sorry im probably being an idiot

Kerby pekachu: ohhh lmao this is alphonse and Sasuke is lan fan  
Kerby pekachu: bc shes an edgelord

sasuke: >:0

milk: lmfao

uwu: oh hey whats up

sasuke: yoooo

milk: im boredddd

uwu: me too

@gf chat!!!!!

uwu: anyone wanna watch a movie

sasuke: can we watch ready player one

uwu: big fucking brain come over and ill get the dvd ready

XD: yooooo can I come

uwu: hell yes

XD: yeet  
XD: ive never seen ready player one

sasuke: omg you havent?

uwu: top ten photos taken seconds before disaster:

sasuke: lmao but  
sasuke: its SO GOOD  
sasuke: the book is better but  
sasuke: STILL  
sasuke: best special effects since the matrix

uwu: you didnt see the matrix when it came out you LIAR

sasuke: yeah but I saw it when I was five bc my parents forgot to put me to bed

uwu: how do u even remember that lmao

XD: ok im gonna walk to yours winry  
XD: I read the book of ready player one and it was ok  
XD: ive heard mixed reviews of the film so idk  
XD: but it sounds cool

sasuke: DONT LISTEN TO THE BAD REVIEWS  
sasuke: oops sorry I yelled my caps lock was on

XD: lmao  
XD: chaotic energy

uwu: should I make popcorn

sasuke: yes pls   
sasuke: you are amazing

XD: I second that

uwu: and I third that   
uwu: im making popcorn right now

sasuke: ok im nearly here

uwu: awesome see you soon xoxoxox

sasuke: xoxoxox :)

It wasn’t long before Winry heard a quiet knock on her window; a smile lit up her face. She sprinkled a mixture of sugar and salt over the popcorn before making her way over to the door to invite Paninya inside. She grinned at her, kissing her cheek, before gesturing to come in. Paninya flopped onto the sofa, where the menu scene of the film was endlessly looping on the screen ahead.

“When do you reckon Lan Fan’s gonna arrive? She said she’d be here a while back,” Paninya inquired. Winry shrugged, glancing at the door.  
“I’ll text her. I hope she’s ok!” She smiled broadly before picking up her phone.

uwu: just wondering how close are u to my house? Im almost ready to start so just to get an idea

sasuke: im just a few minutes away! See you soon ;)

Winry cocked her head in slight bemusement, but shaked her head and walked into the kitchen.

“You want hot chocolate, right?” She yelled through the door, grabbing a saucepan for the inevitable ‘yes’ that would follow.  
“Hell yeah!” Paninya replied, and Winry had a mental image of her girlfriend punching the air in happiness at being offered hot chocolate. Knowing instinctively that Lan Fan would appreciate the hot drink- especially after walking two miles to her house on a day where it was pissing with rain- she measured out three mugs worth of milk into the pan and turned the heat on. At the perfect time, she heard a tentative knock on the door. Winry smiled to herself.

“Hey, Paninya, can you make sure the milk doesn’t boil? Thanks,” she asked as she made her way across the carpeted floor. As she opened the front door, Lan Fan stood, completely sodden. She gave an awkward grin, blushing with the inviting heat of Winry’s house, as she opened her coat to reveal a sharing bag of Maltesers. Winry audibly gasped, squealing a ‘thank youuuuu’, and she ruffled Lan Fan’s dripping hair as they walked inside.

Paninya grinned as she presented three mugs of hot chocolate, and Winry thanked her, grabbing the bowls of popcorn off the side. They fell into place on the sofa, Lan Fan’s head on Winry’s shoulder, and Paninya lying on the armrest with her legs over her girlfriends’ laps. When you have a sofa clearly intended for two people, you have to improvise somewhat. They had already began eating their snacks; the pack of Malesers was quickly ripped open and shared out. Lan Fan eagerly pressed play on the remote, and the film began.

———

“Hey! Wake up, you’re missing the best part!” Paninya opened her eyes groggily as a fast-paced action scene flashed across the screen, as Winry poked her cheek to wake her.   
“Huh? Oh, sorry, I kinda fell asleep, how much did I miss?”  
“Not much, just about fifteen minutes.”   
Lan Fan squealed excitedly, string animatedly at the screen, as Paninya settled back down, giving Winry a quick kiss, as she basked in her girlfriends’ affection. 

Yeah. She was happy with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so fun to write! I love Lan Fan and paninya so much, they're so underrated


	11. hello lgbtq community

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family group chat time!
> 
> also hhhhheadcanon time!
> 
> I think I say time too much
> 
> its egg time boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you get the reference to 'the one thing you can't replace' John mulaney sketch I have so much respect for you

@Family Groupchat

Riza (pick a normal name please Roy): family meeting time.  
Riza (pick a normal name please Roy): oh for fucks’ sake

Riza (pick a normal name please Roy) changed their name to Riza

Riza: Much better.

milk: whats up  
milk: im glad that username is gone ngl

No talk me I angy: Hello.

milk: oh hey dad 

Direct meeting between Riza and No talk me I angy:

No talk me I angy: This meeting is about the thing right?

Riza: yes.  
Riza: I hope they’re responsible enough.

@Family Groupchat

milk: fyi al is aslep so whatever it is ill tell him later  
milk: he’ll KILL me if I wake him up

Riza: I have some news.

milk: what is it

Riza: me and Roy are going away for a week.

milk: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Riza: there are some rules you have to follow and of course Pinako has been entrusted with keeping you safe

No talk me I angy: Pinako is their honorary grandmother at this point.

Riza: pretty much:

milk: you tell us this every time you go away   
milk: drop Nina off at Maes’s house as soon as you leave  
milk: dont trash the place  
milk: eat healthily aka dont order pizza hut every night no matter how good the chicken wings are  
milk: call you if we need help

Riza: you forgot one.  
Riza: no matter what life hack videos tell you, NEVER put bread wrapped in tinfoil in the toaster to make a grilled cheese sandwich.  
Riza: I’m still glad that Lan Fan managed to unplug the toaster in time last time we went away.

milk: ok

Riza: ok thats good

No talk me I angy: Don’t let anyone take our old photos.

milk: we dont have any old photos?  
milk: WAIT WHAT THE FUCKSDKJDHDJK  
milk: YOU LISTEN TO JOHN MULANEY?!?!??!

No talk me I angy: I admit I have seen a few of his sketches.

milk: GJDGKDGDG  
milk: though really we wont be stupid  
milk: besides well probably be sleeping over at ling and lan fan’s house most of the time  
milk: their house is massive istg

Riza: we’re going in a week.

milk: ok

Direct message between hongry and milk:

milk: LIIIIINGGGG

hongry: what is it  
hongry: im so tireddd

milk: mum and dad are going away for a week  
milk: what do you say we have a massive sleepover  
milk: October half term here we come

hongry: ayyyy  
hongry: that sounds good af  
hongry: wait can we talk about this on the group chat later I have to get ready for school sorry

milk: ok thats cool  
milk: ill let alphonse know when he gets up lolol  
milk: seeya xo

hongry: xoxo :)

@Dumbass club

Kerby pekachu: ok so ed told me about our parents going away over the half term  
Kerby pekachu: we were thinking of meeting up at one of our places

XD: yoooooooo

sasuke: nice  
sasuke: come over to ours

Kerby pekachu: ed mentioned that idea lol  
Kerby pekachu: speaking of which he usually responds to the chat really quickly

milk: whats up motherfuck

sasuke: aaaand right on cue

XD: nice  
XD: wait what about nina?  
XD: she wouldnt want to hang out with us for a week lmao

milk: are you kidding? She adores you guys  
milk: like shes like ‘woaaaah older kids that big brother likes they must be cool’

Kerby pekachu: hey remember when lan fan watched naruto in eyeshot of her and she was running around doing hand signs and shouting ‘Chidori Chidori lan fan lan fan’ for days

hongry: awww

sasuke: fjhfdkjh thats so cute  
sasuke: also ling when did you get here?

hongry: hehehhe

milk: that’s so ominous  
milk: but yeah shes going to maes’s   
milk: she treats Elicia like a sister istg  
milk: and maes is more than happy to look after her

XD: awww  
XD: should I tell winry the gist when she wakes up

sasuke: I noticed she wasnt answering lmao

XD: shes asleep on my shoulder so I cant move

sasuke: >:0 jealous  
sasuke: but fr thats cute as fuck

XD: yeah we were watching a whisker away

sasuke: wait ive heard of that  
sasuke: is it good?

XD: yup its pretty awesome  
XD: she just wanted to watch it for the cats

hongry: heyyyy ed wanna watch a whisker away sometime and have a date night

milk: youre not even trying to be subtle

hongry: I know, I know  
hongry: why should I have to be subtle with my amaaaaazinggg boyfriend?  
hongry: heheheheheh

milk: stop bullying me:(

hongry: no <3

milk: blocked AND reported

XD: dfjkdgfjfd block ling yao 2020

hongry: now youre bullying me D:<  
hongry: Ling Yao? In my groupchat? It’s more likely than you think.

XD: DSFGHDDSGH

Kerby pekachu: I saw the trailer for a whisker away and was like :) kitties

sasuke: sameeee  
sasuke: wait I have an idea

Sasuke changed groupchat name to hello lgbtq community

XD: but isnt al straight

Kerby pekachu: yeah but im trans

sasuke: WAIT WTFDJDFJ I NEVER KNEW?

Kerby pekachu: yeah! Im ftm but I only met you like a year ago so it was never really brought up

hongry: omg same

XD: wait ling too? 

hongry: you didnt know?

milk: you didnt know?  
milk: ayyyy same sentence bros   
milk: cant believe we said that at the same time

XD: thats pretty awesome dude!

milk: ok that reminds me  
milk: I was thinking something a while back   
milk: so bc im a cis guy, when al was born Hohenheim and our mum were like ‘edward you have a little sister, now I have a son and a daughter’ and al was like no<3

Kerby pekachu: yup I agree lmfao I was like ‘being a girl? Couldnt be me’  
Kerby pekachu: they were accepting though so that was good  
Kerby pekachu: but then he had to leave and then  
Kerby pekachu: mum got ill

milk: yeah…

Kerby pekachu: do you mind if I change the subject sorry?

sasuke: no its ok sorry if youre upset

Kerby pekachu: thanks lan fan :)  
Kerby pekachu: yeah so uhh im trans hell yeah

XD: hell yeah!

hongry: hell yeah!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hell yeah trans al and ling
> 
> I hope you liked this aaaa  
> I watched a whisker away this evening and I had to include it  
> sorry for the downer mood about Trisha and Hohenheim :(


	12. ling has too many pets wtf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just uhhh random stuff I guess  
> sorry for not updating in a while!
> 
> also some new characters ;:::)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing interactions between characters and I like trying to have conversations between characters who don't interact much, like having ed and paninya chatting as opposed to just Edling and win/pan/fan, I like trying to include everyone and seeing how they interact :D

Direct message between No talk me I angy and milk:

milk: so if I need to check on Nina ill call Maes’s house phone?  
milk: and you want me to call her every two days?

No talk me I angy: Yes, I just want you to make sure she is doing alright.  
No talk me I angy: I’m sure she will have no worries staying with Maes and Gracia and Elicia, but she will want to hear from you and Alphonse as well.

milk: ok thats fine will do  
milk: have a good trip  
milk: seeya in a week’s time

No talk me I angy: We can still text on the family groupchat.  
No talk me I angy: It’s not as if all contact is gone, Edward.

milk: yeah, ik  
milk: but still anyway I gtg so see you

No talk me I angy: See you later.

@hello lgbtq community:

Kerby pekachu: hey  
Kerby pekachu: about later tonight

hongry: yeah?

Kerby pekachu: is it ok if I dont come round until tomorrow?

hongry: thats cool, is there a reason? U good bro

Kerby pekachu: i’ve got a shitty headache and its not gonna go away hjhfjhfsdhjjhf

hongry: oh goddddd  
hongry: I know how that feels

Kerby pekachu: thx  
Kerby pekachu: also i’ve got a ton of homework to do as well

hongry: oh crap me too  
hongry: I probably gtg to get it done lmao

Kerby pekachu: nice lmao seeya later

hongry: seeya

Sasuke: heya  
Sasuke: whats up

Kerby pekachu: the sky

sasuke: hahahahahahahahahahhahahasofunnyhahahahhaha

Kerby pekachu: you’re welcome  
Kerby pekachu: im glad my humour is appreciated

sasuke: wait I just scrolled up awww ur not coming round

Kerby pekachu: yeah :(

sasuke: gives hug

Kerby pekachu: makes a sword out of the floor

sasuke: how the fuck would you make a sword out of the floor

Kerby pekachu: because magic

sasuke: well cant argue with that I gues

Kerby pekachu: yes  
Kerby pekachu: this chat is weirdly quiet today huh

uwu: no I’m just watching from the sidelines   
uwu: seeing what tf is going on

sasuke: jJKJFJD win how long have u been here

uwu: like two minutes

Kerby pekachu: oh

uwu: lmao  
uwu: hey who wants to play among us?

Kerby pekachu: hell yeah

uwu: k ill make a server

sasuke: nice

Direct message between milk and XD:

XD: yooooo ed what is up  
XD: ok we need to make plans for tonight now bc I literally cannot wait and cannot stop thinking about it so yeah whats the deal broski

milk: damn  
milk: k so im bringing over a bunch of murder mystery films bc al doesnt like them and hes not coming over tonight  
milk: but like he is tomorrow so tmw we can watch something he likes I guess

XD: can I bring some movies?

milk: yeah sure

XD: ive only been to ling’s house like once with lan fan can you show me how to get there bwt  
XD: btw

milk: that’s cool its like a ten minute walk so yup thats alright

XD: nice  
XD: from what I remember their house is fuckign massive and like they have about 6 dogs

milk: oh yeah  
milk: Betty, bastard, miku, Jeremy, avocado and pillow  
milk: dont ask why they’re called that and dont ask why I can remember all the names  
milk: oh yeah and their snake  
milk: that ones called mozzarella stick

XD: THEY HAVE A SNAKE?!!???!?1//1/

milk: yeah its massive and just sort of wanders around the place  
milk: to the extent that a snake can wander that is

XD: omfg  
XD: oh yeah I forgot to ask  
XD: why isnt al coming round?

milk: hes feeling totally crap and just wants to sleep

XD: ohhhh jeeez  
XD: that sucks

milk: ikr it runs in the family or something but we just get these killer headaches sometimes and they hurt like hell

XD: oh shittttt

milk: yup that sums it up pretty much lmao  
milk: but they never last more than a day so al will probbly be fine tomorrow

XD: thats good to know

milk: yup lmao

@me and the boys at 3 am committing tax fraud

Is for me: yo guess who started watching seven deadly sins today

goth gf: wtf  
goth gf: my brother is a weeb my heart is broken  
goth gf: im frankly disappointed 

Is for me: hey dont be fucking rudeee

goth gf: not sorry

Give me free robux or ill posess you: dont swear in the groupchat guys what the h*ll

goth gf: please stop censoring hell  
goth gf: why did we let our ten year old edgelord brother in the chat again

Is for me: idk beats me

Give me robux or ill possess you: hey shut the fuck up you meanie >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >;) fully introducing them next chapter...


	13. homunculi gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow the homunculi are finally here!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry I haven't updated in a while but THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 1000 HITS!!!!!! im so glad that people like this shitpost, its awesome that people read this :)
> 
> ive finally added there homunculi! im gonna include notes about them at the end of the chapter.

@me and the boys at 3 am committing tax fraud

Give me free robux or ill possess you: hey  
Give me free robux or ill possess you: is anyone awake  
Give me free robux or ill possess you: anyonnneeeee

Goth gf: jfc shut up

Is for me: pride can you not

Give me free robux of ill possess you has changed their name to Pride

Is for me: what was even the point of that

Pride: idk  
Pride: because fuck you thats why

Is for me: you are ten years old you should NOT be using that sort of language

Goth gf: yeah idk who the fuck he got that from

Is for me: -_-  
Is for me: damn you dont even try lmao

Goth gf: correct  
Goth gf: either way stfu or ill mute the chat  
Goth gf: SOME PEOPLE are trying to sleep   
Goth gf: gn

Is for me: wow rude

Is for me added 160 centimetres of pure hate  
Is for me added CBA

Pride: ew 160 centimetres of pure hate that just sounds like karkat

160 centimetres of pure hate: hey what the hell pride how the fuck do you know what homestuck is

Pride: because  
Pride: also wtf does CBA mean

CBA: it means can’t be arsed  
CBA: like I cba with this groupchat  
CBA: such a pain

CBA left the chat

160 centimetres of pure hate: well that was short lived  
160 centimetres of pure hate: thank god

Goth gf: can you guys stfu  
Goth gf: come on greed thats just plain rude you know I wanted quiet and you had to add the others

Is for me: lmao

Goth gf: ok screw this

Goth gf muted the chat

160 centimetres of pure hate: well damn   
160 centimetres of pure hate: k so who wants to watch she ra

Is for me: arent you supposed to be all edgy  
Is for me: watching she ra doesnt fit your aesthetic ngl

160 centimetres of pure hate: actualy shut the fuck up catra is literally me  
160 centimetres of pure hate: besides you don’t even have to watch it so uhhhhh yeah

Is for me: imagine having a brother who cant spell actually  
Is for me: could be me

160 centimetres of pure hate: well at least I know how to use apostrophes

Is for me: wow I am wounded  
Is for me: also are we just going to gloss over the fact that pride who is our ten year old brother knows what homestuck is  
Is for me: yes we are  
Is for me: lets watch she ra

@hello lgbtq community: 

Kerby pekachu: are you guys ready for me to come over?

sasuke: ofc  
sasuke: we’re free

XD: ngl save me pls  
XD: win keeps singing Hamilton  
XD: and she does not know the lyrics to any of them

sasuke: I can vouch for that  
sasuke: hhh im so tired

XD: me too lol  
XD: anyways al pls come over we miss youuuuu

Kerby pekachu: awesome, i’ll be here in about 20 minutes!   
Kerby pekachu: (:

XD: seeya soon :33

@gf chat!!!!

XD: hewwo

uwu: aww hey pan  
uwu: whats up

XD: I kin assign you jade Harley winry

uwu: elaborate

XD: v smart and makes automail like she makes robots but same difference  
XD: also just kinda energetic

uwu: thta makes sense  
uwu: im very flattered

XD: wait one sec ive gtg for a minute

uwu: okey  
uwu: ffdghfhkgkjgfjdjgfgjkjskjdf nya nya nya  
uwu: karkalicious definition  
uwu: oh look alphonse is here woohoo yeet

XD: ok im back I had to grab my portable charger  
XD: why are we texting anyway were in the same room

uwu: honestly good point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the homunculi:
> 
> is for me- greed ofc  
> pride- self explanatory  
> CBA- sloth  
> goth gf- lust  
> 160 centimetres of pure hate- envy
> 
> so because this is a modern au, the homunculi are all roughly the same age so probably between 16 and 18 or so, with the exception of pride bc he is like 10, wrath who is gonna be like? their uncle??? and sloth who I don't care about to be honest so im not sure how old he is in this au
> 
> basically, I have no idea how this works- continuity errors go brrr
> 
> thank you for reading this chapter! have a great halloween :D


	14. winry Rockbell: ultimate detective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> winry and her gf try and find out alphonse's crush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating! it's been ages and im so sorry!!
> 
> anyway here's another chapter!!

@gf chat!!!!

uwu: yo  
uwu: im bored  
uwu: anyone wanna chat

XD: sorry I cant rn D:

uwu: wanna call later?

XD: sure thing <3  
XD: gtg seeya 

uwu: byeee ily

XD: aww ily too

sasuke: ew affection gross  
sasuke: give me some

uwu: oh heya lan fan  
uwu: also god thats such a mood

sasuke: ok ive been wondering  
sasuke: who do u think alphonse likes???

uwu: ooohhhhh  
uwu: idk really im not sure if he likes anyone atm?

sasuke: I get v i b e s from a girl in his class

uwu: Mei?  
uwu: wait seriously?

sasuke: im not 100 % sure but he seems to like her  
Sasuke: maybe theyre just friends but hmmm

uwu: I should have seen this tbh  
uwu: like ill brb im gonna text him

sasuke: ok shuichi

uwu: ????  
uwu: I dont play dang it grandpa  
uwu: or whatever the fuck its called

sasuke: JKDGKDSGDSJG  
sasuke: shuichi Saihara is ultimate detective lmaoooo  
sasuke: like how youre doing detective shit to find out if alphonse likes Mei???

uwu: ohhhh  
uwu: oh my god

sasuke: LMAO tell me what he sayssss

uwu: will do heheh

Direct message between Kerby pekachu and uwu:

uwu: hey alllllllllllllllllllphonse

Kerby pekachu: what  
Kerby pekachu: you only call me alphonse when you need a favour from me lmaooo

uwu: damn you got me  
uwu: ok so I was wondering if you like anyone?

Kerby pekachu: uhhhhhhh  
Kerby pekachu: whyyyyyy do u wanna know 0_0

uwu: me and lan fan were just chatting  
uwu: also notice how you didnt deny it

Kerby pekachu: oh come on  
Kerby pekachu: you didnt even give me a chance Jesus Christ

uwu: heheh  
uwu: wait for fucks sake one sec

uwu has changed their name to AAAA

AAAA: much better  
AAAA: we were thinking that maybe you and Mei would be cute!  
AAAA: mei right? The girl in your class that you always talk with and sit with and stare at and text and call  
AAAA: ohhh alphonseee

Kerby pekachu:…  
Kerby pekachu: dammit  
Kerby pekachu: ok fine I admit it I like her

AAAA: you’re so obvious dude

Kerby pekachu: im only doing this because youre my GREAT FRIEND

AAAA: aawww you do appreciate us

Kerby pekachu: *eyeroll*

AAAA: did you genuinely say *eyeroll* unironically

Kerby pekachu: shut up shut up cringe culture is dead

AAAA: yeah cringe culture is dead except for you  
AAAA: alphonse Elric, cringe incarnate  
AAAA: lan fan is gonna be soooo proud of herself for figuring this one out

Kerby pekachu: oh god

AAAA: what? U good?

Kerby pekachu: pls pls pls pls pls dont tell ed  
Kerby pekachu: hes been waiting to get revenge for me teasing him about ling for like ever  
Kerby pekachu: he cannot know this

AAAA: your secret is safe with me  
AAAA: and like lan fan and paninya but they wont tell him

Kerby pekachu: if he finds out you will lose kneecap privilegs for 0.04 minutes

AAAA: I’m so intimidated

Kerby pekachu: you should be

@ gf chat!!!!

AAAA: so

sasuke: nice username lmao win

AAAA: I know right it captures my vibe  
AAAA: anyway  
AAAA: you were right

sasuke: knew it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nya

**Author's Note:**

> okey so  
> milk- ed  
> OwO what's dis/Kerby pekachu- al  
> spanner and sickle/uwu- winry  
> despancito/XD- paninya  
> naruto/sasuke- lan fan  
> hongry/ get in the forever box uwu- ling  
> also jsyk the image winry sends isn't mine I just wanted to remind the world that Ratboy Genius exists and you should go watch it, I don't claim the pic as mine


End file.
